If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
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dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to