If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
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Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
Best spot.. 😅
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.