Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why isn’t thunder called soundning

“I want you inside me.”

-says the quotation marks to the period-

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”

I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.

five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time

Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?

Me: when you’re a parent, you just no

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.

[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

A roomba that swears every time it hits something.

FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.

Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?

Her: *Yodels*

Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.

Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.

It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING

Had sex with a condom tonight.

Maybe next time it will be with a girl.

My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?

It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.

The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.

this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy

“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”

When your man makes a valid point

Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”