If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
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Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
Children of the corn 🌽
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
For those that worship cheese..
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Leaving the Barbers like
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on