If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
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[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.