If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
You Might Also Like
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Got the hotel caretaker job! Can finally get cracking on my novel.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
#milo
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.