I’m seducing you. Do you feel seduced? Tell me when you’re seduced, even if it’s just a little. Do you want some macaroni? Are you seduced?
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
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Girls that are 16 and pregnant look stupid now.. But their kids will move out when they are 34.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
BARISTA: can i get a name?
ME: sure. you look like a Tiffany
BARISTA: no i mean a name for the order
ME: oh! we’ll call this “the most important order of the day”
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Adored by women
Unfollowed by cat magazine.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
coworker: What did your wife get?
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.