If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
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Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Owl Sanctuary
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.