If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
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Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Camping tip: No.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.