If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
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Put my back out twerking in the library again
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce