If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
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i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.