If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
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If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk