Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.

Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming

*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

*first day as a hair stylist

“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”

Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country

Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.

1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of

Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?

Me ~ Kerosene…

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut

me: sorry, we only accept cash

manager: can i talk to you

Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol

Family Celebrity