Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit

If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?

Me: What is wrong with me?

Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.

Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.

Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”

Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”

[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”

This was a bad idea all around

My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.

Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is

Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:

Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:

Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.

I got jort-martialed