If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
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Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.