If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
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Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
My love language is hissing.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.