If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
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Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.