If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
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I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
