If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
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Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
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[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.