If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
You Might Also Like
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation