“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
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Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.