“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
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If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Two
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Four
Tell the people what she wore…
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Artwork by Herta Burbe
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us