“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
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Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes