Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”

*Slides down your chimney*

*Straightens all your pictures*

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

Farmer: Here, take a gander.

Goose: No! My husband!

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…

“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”

“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”

And those were his last words

Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay

Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.

Me: God grant me the serenity.

God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.

Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.

Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.

A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.

it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…

“felt cute might delete later lolz”

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic