Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

Friend: Are you on social media?

Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.

I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!

let’s hear it for plates that are bowls

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?

Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.

I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.

I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.

Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.

Her: You’re a dumpster fire

Me: So you think I’m hot??

surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time

penguins are just ducks going to a wedding

This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…

<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned

I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.