If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
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At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Bike is short for Bichael.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Who did it better?
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.