If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
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Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy