Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
You Might Also Like
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
WTF VAMPIRE BATS WILL VOMIT BLOOD INTO MOUTHS OF SICK BATS 2 KEEP THEM ALIVE THATS DOPE AF & STILL A BETTER LOVESTORY THAN TWILIGHT
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
When the dryer buzzer scares you so bad you have to do another load of laundry.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.