@HatfieldAnne

If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.

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@weinerdog4life

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

@skittle624

It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

@AbbyHasIssues

If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.

@yaboybillnye

WTF VAMPIRE BATS WILL VOMIT BLOOD INTO MOUTHS OF SICK BATS 2 KEEP THEM ALIVE THATS DOPE AF & STILL A BETTER LOVESTORY THAN TWILIGHT

@iamspacegirl

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

@jwalkonthemoon

When the dryer buzzer scares you so bad you have to do another load of laundry.

@Iwriteforcats

[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?

@coalslag

Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.

@Ideal_Victoria

Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”

@MorticiaKate

Therapist: What brings you here today?

Me: I’m a middle child.

Therapist: I see, classi..

Me: In between two sets of twins.

Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.