if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
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My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement