if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
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I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Damn what did I do next
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
absolutely not
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
That took me a moment.
