if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
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“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I never needed anything more in my life
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
My good tweets are in my other pants.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake