Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame

forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies

Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”

Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting

snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin

When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”

me: freedom implies the existence of freesub

subway: we said no

JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape

Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.

Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh

How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?

*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

goldfish mafia

[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i’m a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that’s too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.

I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.

Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?

me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?