Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one

*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*

me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.

8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.

Well shit.

Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*

My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them

Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”

Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”

In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…

They’ll be SO surprised!

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken

Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.

Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

*mops up wine with cat*

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

hacker: i know your social security number

me: that makes one of us

MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.

[in a crowded elevator]

ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.

worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards

Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.

nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety

me: no need i already have it

My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you

live long and prosper!