Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house

got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.

Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.

[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD

i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.

me: i’ll have the steak

waiter: this is a vegan restaurant

me: ok i’ll have the vegan

The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.

I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.

My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of

Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”

Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”

Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume

Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love

Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.

No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs

I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

Catering service

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic