Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

bugs when you lift up a rock

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.

How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?

Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin

me:

her:

me: i’m taking a plane, Karen

“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”

not going to work.

How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.

I needed a laugh this morning.

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers

I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.

Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her

Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.

Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.

People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: ok.

God: you have a great memory.

Elephant: what does that mean?

God: you never forget.

Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?

God:

Elephant:

God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.

God: Come see this.

Angel: What is it?

God: It’s the human lifespan.

Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!

God: Fun right? Watch this.

Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?

God: I call it, 35.

if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger

At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)