Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos

the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person

ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.

the saddest jazz hands ever

Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?

Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing

Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?

Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider

Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?

Me: No

[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

The horror:

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.

Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”

why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2

I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?

If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

These apps are getting out of control.

There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.

Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”

Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser

“…Actually the position has been filled”

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]

him: hey what’s up

me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4

If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now

say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle

♫When the moon hits your eye♫

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.

ㅤ