If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
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My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Spoiler Alert: I was late
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
What in the hipster hell is going on here
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy