Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction

Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.

Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it

18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.

What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!

13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

found my next D&D character name

[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”

Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.

“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

ME: *reads war and peace*

SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*

Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation

You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.