If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
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I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese