Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar

My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split

Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

Man these end times are taking forever

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.

God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *

*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan

It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize

When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents

If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.

People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.

3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.

3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?

She’s going to crush high school.

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.

Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?

My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.