If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
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I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I’m not stressed
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.