If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
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Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.