If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
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If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
wow
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business