If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
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They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
I already tried new things thanks.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
I am laughing way too hard at this.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic