if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
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The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣