Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.

Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it

Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?

I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing

Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand

Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.

☠️

i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys

Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.

When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.

Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive

ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all

[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?

I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.

I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.

Them: Just act casual
Me:

I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.

People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.

My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.

What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?