if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
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Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
why no one uses midhusbands
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Many hands make light work
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave