if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
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Fruity
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Cashiers are always checking me out
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in