Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons

One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year

It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄

8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”

Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.

Is it because I’m brown??

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts

65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.

Team leader: This is a do or die situation.

Me: It absolutely is not.

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk.

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.

Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.

do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever

it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean

My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.