Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Go to bed

4-year-old: But I have questions!

Me: You’re stalling

4: I need to know!

Me: What?

4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.

my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently

Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.

Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?

“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”

– the original two-step verification

Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider

me:

Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!

[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god

My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids

Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came

Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready

Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.

OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.