Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.

Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: oh god

doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared

No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.

6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

Her: I’d really love some flowers.

Him: Orchids?

Her: No, just flowers.

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

I’m in a really bad place right now*

*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house

How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?

My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.

I laughed.

…

She stared at me until I paid her.

crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance

Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.

Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers