Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.

What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow

Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful

I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it

Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.

*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*

HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!

Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff

HECKLER: boooo

If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.

My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”

Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.

I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”

I just checked Web MD and I have everything

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing

Her: I want to travel the world in the new year

Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..

Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.

“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”

– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car

Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me

When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers

The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.

Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?

Me: He travels, A LOT.