@DiamondLou69

If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…

…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.

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@ElleOhHell

911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*

@P_o_n_k

BANK ROBBER: Alright, nobody move!

JELL-O MAN: I promise I’m trying to stop

@HiddleDeeDee

Eight hours into this family road trip I realized my lifelong vow to avoid illegal drugs was stupid.

@AbbyHasIssues

A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

@HeidiCF8

I’m going to write “I miss you” on a rock. Then throw it at your face. I just want you to know how much it hurts..

@SoVeryBritish

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”

@dumbbeezie

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

@Danny_Dilford

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

@blopt

The entire city of Detroit burned down last night. Estimated damage is $6.

@ZombieProblms

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.