911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
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BANK ROBBER: Alright, nobody move!
JELL-O MAN: I promise I’m trying to stop
Eight hours into this family road trip I realized my lifelong vow to avoid illegal drugs was stupid.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
I’m going to write “I miss you” on a rock. Then throw it at your face. I just want you to know how much it hurts..
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
The entire city of Detroit burned down last night. Estimated damage is $6.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.