If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
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So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker