Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it

FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok

[alternate universe]

Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵

9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?

The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?

First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes

Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.

[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*

I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.

Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*

There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

“Aaaaaaaaand done!”

-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?

Me: …in the basement?

My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!

*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*

My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.

Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.

So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…

I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.

11: how large is Scotland Yard?

Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…

11: never mind, I will ask google.

I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine

Jepfpf: no I haven’t

Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me

There are usually two types of merchants.

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.