If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
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Milk Cube
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”