If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
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My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.