If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
You Might Also Like
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
If you’re testing me, we failed.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit