Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
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[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.