If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
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I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.
always be there
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
bout dat hot dog summer
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all