Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep

A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.

MY BRAIN:

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.

I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.

dream blunt rotation

Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.

Netflix suggested I watch my kids.

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween

Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”

Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.

I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.

Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.

Her: is the game almost over?

Me: this is just the first half

Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?

Me: you’re pretty