If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
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[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
“you recording!?”
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”