me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
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Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
thanksgiving should be called feaster
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Worst perfume name ever.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019