@leshnevsky

If the chameleons did their work better, we would not know about the existence of chameleons.

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@daemonic3

Who is the idiot that called it “possession of marijuana” and not “joint custody”?

@JJSummertime

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

@pleatedjeans

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

@FatherWithTwins

Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!

@EromoEgbejule

As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.

Discuss.

@HomeWithPeanut

Living with toddlers is like being stuck in an episode of Scooby-Doo, with all the running between rooms and slamming of doors.

@DogGoing

A hostage exchange, except it’s me meeting with my ex to exchange cutlery that has changed houses via school lunches.

@dril

restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place

@IGotsSmarts

The networks need to change the phrase “Breaking News” to “Now What?”