If the chameleons did their work better, we would not know about the existence of chameleons.

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Who is the idiot that called it “possession of marijuana” and not “joint custody”?


Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.


Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president


Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!


As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.



Living with toddlers is like being stuck in an episode of Scooby-Doo, with all the running between rooms and slamming of doors.


A hostage exchange, except it’s me meeting with my ex to exchange cutlery that has changed houses via school lunches.


restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place


The networks need to change the phrase “Breaking News” to “Now What?”