@leshnevsky

If the chameleons did their work better, we would not know about the existence of chameleons.

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@QwertyJones3

[dog park]
Go get it, boy!

*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*

Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever

@bea_ker

Newsreader: Police are asking anyone with any information-
Me: [shouting at TV] You lose 90% of your heat from your head

@Momtoteens

If gyms paid pretty girls to just sit and clap in the weight section, I bet they could charge anything they want for a membership.

@DrunksWithGuns

*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*

@tiemoose

date: wanna try some of my cheesecake?

me: no thanks, i don’t eat dairy

date: are you lactose intolerant?

me, terrified my skeleton will become too strong and escape: haha yeah that’s it

@LoriLuvsShoes

It’s really cute how my 16 slams her bedroom door, in the house that I pay for, every time she gets pissed off. So…I took away the door

@electrolemon

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)

@pattymo

Just came across my proto-Simpsons shitpost from 2015, approximately one million years ago

@ghostkrogh

me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith

@DismalChips

Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night

Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it