Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:

Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.

Man to the left of me: Please don’t.

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”

I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.

Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.

Me: What?

C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.

M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.

C:

M:

C: Have a nice day

The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.

Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.

everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain

I got 3 miles in before breakfast.

That’s enough driving for the day

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.

I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:

3. Remove moisture from the air

2. Remove odor from the air

1. Cover up disgusting sounds

Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.

I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

[the first ever boomerang]

HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t

My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.

my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music

[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky

Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?

Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?

Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine

My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.