Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.

All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

[dressed like Slave Leia]

Them: Haha ready for Halloween?

Me: Halloween?

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november

The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.

He’s got some nerve.

No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.

me: can i get a burger ($5.99) with fries ($1.99) and a soda ($1.49)

cashier: sure that’ll be $25

me: ok

one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”

Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.