If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
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A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Social Media and Real life
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”