If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
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Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
☠️ ☠️
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?