If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
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It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests
me: yes…for our guests
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Going into Monday like
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.