Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.

PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.

Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*

Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…

ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

Note to future self:

Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive

Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?

Professor: I meant science questions

Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?

i’m so sick of this guy

if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill

me: *just sitting there all 40*

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!

Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.

therapist: so, what do you say when she says that

me: you sound like your mom

therapist: 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.