Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!

*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*

I just passed a beer truck on the highway.

“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”

-My 6 yr old son, Miller

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.

DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer

me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”

Me:”You mean ASAP?”

Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”

I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.

No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.

Like sleeping!

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself

HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.

HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!

HIM:

HER:

HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.

The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….

Help end the violence!!!

Eat BACON!!

If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

lmao

I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.