If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
You Might Also Like
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
My neck, my back, my…
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
When the stylist spins you back around
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
If you breakdance you buy dance.