If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
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Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.