Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.

Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.

[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.

At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.

[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets

For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them

Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.

Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.

The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.

If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.

No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run

No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.

My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.

How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.

Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.