If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
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Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol