Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no

*first day as an accountant*

me: so where are the ants?

*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.

Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?

THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD

Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?

therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy

Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”

I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now

who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight

Noted.

We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.

BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.

Boss: What?

Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

*on walkie-talkies

Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically

Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.