If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
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That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies