If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
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[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.