If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
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Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.