If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
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Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
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[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.