If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
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I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
ouch
Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.