If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
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There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays