If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
You Might Also Like
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.