Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*

I wanted to look sharp!

Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.

Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…

Now, I look like an idiom.

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…

My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.

instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.

me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by

This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

Me: [raises hand to hail cab]

*Catches random touchdown pass

VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins

ME: which ones

VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin

ME: no it’s not

VITAMIN WATER: what about blue

*Bites werewolf*

Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.

Werewolf: No!

Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.